For sake of illustration, I would like to classify conflicts into two PROBLEM categories.
1. A conflict where there is no negotiation possible. For example, a mass shooting at a public venue. The shooter refuses to talk and wants to kill people until he himself is killed.
2. A conflict where discussion is possible, but often rejected. In fact, discussion is rejected with growing animosity. Examples range from:
conservative speakers on college campuses seeing students even riot to keep the speaker from speaking,
to conservative political rallies where supporters are beaten up by the opposing political protestors,
to co-workers from an older generation refusing to change how things are done as they have to work with a co-worker of a younger generation …and a co-worker of a younger generation refusing to be patient with – and even learn from – the experience of the co-worker from an older generation. (…and this could also be applied to neighborhoods, families, churches, etc…)
This is a growing and strongly intensifying problem in today’s society. What happens when we don’t get our way? Unfortunately, bitterness will often be embraced and then the situation goes from bad to worse! This includes the church! What do we do to overcome possible bitterness in our life?
In February of 2008, James Fantroy was convicted of stealing over $20,000 of government grants while he served as a City Council member in Dallas, Texas. Because Fantroy had kidney cancer and used a wheelchair, U.S. District Judge Ed Kinkeade told him he could choose between serving a month in prison or publicly apologizing for his actions. Fantroy chose to serve a prison sentence rather than apologize. (Source: Beaumont Enterprise, May 28, 2008)
When we choose to harbor bitter feelings or resentment towards another person, we think we are getting even with them, but in reality we are making ourselves prisoners.
Much of what God has chosen for us to do deals with relationships in some way. We are not on this earth for our own pleasure…we are here for His pleasure and glory. This is not a “one-man show!” The Lord will often work in pairs:
Adam & Eve
Abraham & Sarah
Elijah & his servant
They went out two by two in the gospel of Luke
Paul & Barnabas
Paul & Silas
Take a moment to read Acts 15:36-41 for the context of our conversation today.
Obvious question…Were Paul or Barnabas perfect? No. HOWEVER, God still wants to use them (like he wanted to use Jacob, and Abraham, Peter, and you and me!!)
Obvious need…Paul needs a new member for his mission team.
the CHOOSING
Consider Acts 15:40. Paul had time to observe and he saw Silas to be a good choice.
So, relationships surround us…and as long as there are relationships there will be conflicts of various intensities. Mission teams are coming off the field because they cannot get along with each other. Marriages are ending because they cannot get along with each other. The nation is more divided because we cannot find our way to get along with those who think differently than we do. Churches are splitting because they cannot get along with each other. This isn’t just politics! This is in the church! This is a matter that the believer must master if we ever want to see any other people groups master it.
Changing mission teams doesn’t change the conflict…changing jobs doesn’t remove all conflict…and yes, changing churches doesn’t change the problem either.
Why? Because we are part of the problem. It takes “two to tango.” There are rare exceptions; however, most people believe they are the exception – and they aren’t the exception. Remember, “only by pride cometh contention” (Prov. 13:10). So, even if you change your job, your political party, your neighborhood, or even your church – you will still need to personally exhibit spiritual growth and maturity. Meaning: you will need to continue to grow in grace, especially in areas you struggled in the last conflict with which drove you to change your circumstances. Changing your circumstances or surroundings does not automatically change your spiritual maturity.
II Peter 3:18. Are you growing in grace? Are you changing to greater likeness of Jesus?
II Peter 1:5-7. Remember, “faith is not only illumination but character.” Do you consistently pursue and develop:
o greater moral excellence (this is determined by the Word of God, not peer groups)
o greater self-control (speech, emotional responses, impulse decisions)
o greater patience (bearing up under evil)
o greater reverence towards God
You will still have to choose these things (and more) when working with ANYONE! No matter Paul’s past, he would need to grow beyond his past to serve God effectively in the present. Paul would have been a horrible (not to mention ineffective as well) ministry partner if he had embraced bitterness. Paul needed to live in victory, but so would his newco-laborer. The choosing of a new mission team member is a huge decision!
1. Silas was known by the church as a good choice
2. A good choice would have included:
a. Faithful when persecuted (think about the 1st missionary journey’s attacks)
b. A hard worker (the travel alone would be challenging)
c. Soul-conscious (the whole purpose the journey)
d. Yielded to God (needed for all of the above)
Are you a good choice for others? Are you faithful when it’s hard? Are you a hard worker? Do you have action for souls? Do you live yielded to God (following leadership God placed in your life…ready to go where He leads you…ready to stand up for Him when others oppose you)?
the RECOMMENDING
Consider Acts 15:40 again. The brethren agreed with Paul’s choice. Here’s an important truth to remember: don’t turn a deaf ear to the warnings of the godly men & women around you when making decisions! So, if you know them to be godly, don’t be so quick to reject their counsel. If you know them to be ill-tempered, or a complainer, or lacking emotional control, or one who makes impulse decisions, or one who looses all sense of “filter controls” over speech when tired, or simply a person who opposes things they didn’t come up with — then keep that in mind as well.
the CONFIRMING
Now take a look at Acts 15:41. The outcome had significant impact in two ways: impact on the churches & impact in the mission team! Silas came through when put to the test. The right decision was made and ministry opportunities multiplied!!
Hard travel and work was right in front of them! By the time we reach Acts 16:12, they are in Philippi. This means they would have had to cross the Aegean Sea. A little later Lydia gets saved & baptized… a little later a demon possessed girl is freed… a little later a mob scene and then jail. They faced this and more on the second missionary journey. This intense ministry continued on with a new mission team!
This second missionary journey would not have been possible if Paul had embraced bitterness. Bitterness over his conflict with Barnabas…or even bitterness over his health struggles…or maybe even bitterness over the continued persecution when all he was trying to do was give people the gospel!
Did you know that when a rattlesnake is cornered, sometimes it becomes so angry that it bites itself (Source: Reader’s Digest, May 1985)? When a man harbors hatred or bitterness in his heart he is poisoning himself just like the rattlesnake that bites itself. Bitterness doesn’t punish the other person in the conflict! Bitterness punishes the one who embraces bitterness… and then it attacks those closest to them. Bitterness usually feels very self-justifying, but it ends up being a very deep destructive pit that many struggle in finding their escape from its grasp. How can we find victory?
6 Steps to Secure Success after Conflict:
OVERCOMING BITTERNESS
1. STOP TELLING YOUR STORY. Telling your story to a counselor or therapist is one thing, but rehearsing what happened to you (your side of the story) to others (or making most or all friends who will listen your counselor) will only keep you in the position of the victim…keeping the bitterness thriving (Prov. 17:28). Telling your story to others often breeds dishonesty – with yourself and others (Eph. 4:25) as you inevitably add things to the story. You will even begin to lose the memory of what truly happened as you build a more favorable story to support your frustration of not getting your way. Adding to the story is usually not done purposefully; however, it is the outcome of continued rehearsing from a hurting person.
Another way to stop telling your story is to stop choosing to “nail” the person who triggered you with researching online, social media “stalking,” and asking others about them to try and find “the nail in the coffin.” This reveals two things: First, you are assuming the worst and trying to find proof for your assumed conclusions. This is not true love, I Cor. 13:7. This lack of love shows a lack of understanding for God’s love for you (I Jn. 4:11). It shows a lack of rehearsing the way God has poured His love on you — even though you did not deserve such amazing love. Second, it proves you are still nursing your wounds and wanting to take God’s place of perfect judge (as though you are afraid they will get away with something and that God will not be the perfect judge He promises to be, I Cor. 3:13-15).
2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY. If the truth be told, you know you made mistakes in the conflict. Admit it. You cannot make the other person involved in the conflict admit their mistakes, but you are not in charge of the other person. You are responsible for you – before God. Go beyond the admission phase. Admit it. Confess it as sin. Turn away from that mistake in future choices (Prov. 28:13; Ps. 100:5; Lam. 3:22-23).
3. CHOOSE FORGIVENESS. Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13; James 5:16. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that forgiveness equals trust. Forgiveness doesn’t equal trust. Trust comes with time as you work on the relationship. Forgiveness isn’t “freeing” the other person from responsibility.
…forgiveness is freeing you to move on and trusting God to take care of the rest! Forgiveness frees you from the position of judge and jury.
4. CHOOSE THE NOW. Matt. 6:33-34; Jer. 29:11. Bitterness finds fertile ground to grow in the past and in the future. A bitter individual will find themselves living in the past and future – all the while missing the here and now. Yes, it was hard. Yes, it hurt. Yes, it may have even been unfair or not kind. Yet, living in the past will cause you to miss today. Was this conflict so significant that you are willing to miss everything God has for you today, and then again on the next “today” … and so on? Are you willing to give an account to God for your bitterness that caused you to miss gospel speaking, gospel living, and gospel investing mission minded living?!
5. GET HELP. Friends who refuse to rehearse the conflict with you and help you rehearse the present are vital. A strong, godly support system is a must. A counselor is essential, but every friend ought not be your counselor. Prov. 11:14; 27:17.
I read this week of a lady who went through a fast food drive-thru with her head wrapped in a scarf. When the drive-up window closed she could hear the workers making fun of her “sorry attempt of using a head scarf.” She watched them laugh at her – all the while, they remained clueless she understood every word and action. She was crushed, but she didn’t let them know she heard them. She thanked them for the food and drove off with tears in her eyes. You probably guessed what was going on. She wore the scarf because she lost her hair to chemo treatments. What stood out to me is this: she refused to talk in this account negatively about those who hurt her so deeply. She chose to wish them well and spoke of how she hoped they never got sick with cancer, like she had. Then, she simply asked those who read her story to be more careful of “judging the book by it’s cover” and finished with quoting the Bible verse: “love one another.”
If you are going to find victory over bitterness, you will need some friends like this lady. Friends who refuse to let you regularly rehearse your hurt and unjust feelings.
6. SET ACHIEVABLE GOALS. One small step at a time. Every big goal is achieved by many necessary smaller steps. Successful godly living is the goal! Ps. 37:4; Prov. 3:5-7; 16:9; Rom. 8:28-29.
God hand-picked Silas for Paul and Paul for Silas. He wanted to accomplish a work in them and through them; however, all of this would have been greatly hampered if bitterness had been embraced. Think of the multitudes of souls who would not have heard Paul’s preaching because bitterness seemed more attractive than mission minded living. Identify your life circumstances that were unfair, unkind, too hard (etc…) and examine your heart for bitterness. When bitterness is revealed…admit it. Confess it. Repent of it. Seek victory in overcoming it. Today’s mission minded living (God’s mission for you) is too important to waste on bitterness. Leave the accounting of wrong actions to God.